You Are Beautiful Just The Way You Are

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My whole life has been bipolar driven without me knowing it. I hated myself, like truly hated myself and I found happiness in helping others because that was the only time I believed happiness deserved to be in my life. I was a bubbly person to most peoples eyes when really inside I was always wanting to find an excuse for permanently disappearing. I thought if I killed myself I would be doing the world a favor. Some friends from Colorado and California most likely think that of me, being traumatized of what I did to all of them. I can see why the might want to see me dead but I know I do not deserve to die. I know what my life has been like, and I know I deserve where I am at now. 

No one has to approve of what we are doing, we just have to be confident that we are finding happiness and productivity in life when we are recovering. We have to be confident. We deserve to smile because we are alive. Whenever I think about my past and start thinking about depressive thoughts like suicide when I do have suicidal thinking I always go back to the simple fact that I AM ALIVE. Someone may hate me, I may feel lost but I am breathing, I have a brain, I have self harm scars but that doesn't matter, through everything I didn't succeed with taking my breath away and that is one beautiful thing we should all be thankful for. We recognize that life is possible but we think giving up is worth all of the pain when really pain is worth it to get back to a person we all want to be. 

I hated my body. I liked a million guys in my past but I know I am not the most attractive girl in a mans book. I am not thin, I am not attractive if a guy wants some sexy chick with a good figure, and my voice is something that most think is weird. I told guys that I liked them and most did not feel the same way and the thing is, is that I laugh over that now, because today I go, 'Who would have even liked me in the body that I was in when I told these guys that I liked them?' One guy that I told that I liked him prank called me for two weeks straight and bullied me and it blew up into a horrible thing and for some reason I still told other guys that I liked them. 

I am so happy none of the guys that I told in California and Colorado that I liked said they wanted to be in a relationship because I was a HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE person beneath what people saw on a daily basis and I was even unaware of how bad I was. Most may go, well if you were like that before, can't you be again? Sure I could be that old self, but I know I won't be because that old me has traumatized me. It made me see when I began to get well that there is a reason why we should not let ourselves relapse.   The picture above really describes me up until now. I was always wanting to remove the bad parts of me, whether it be me all together, fat, hair, or ANYTHING. I would do things to make people like me and I did things that might have made me feel better but I was never happy. 

Taking away what we do not like about ourselves is bad if we choose to just 'cut it out of our lives'. We need a plan of action and we need to recognize that we need to accept our bodies and our state of mind and know that change needs to occur and remind ourselves that life is always waiting for us, we just have to find it. 

I may not be that hot girlfriend, but I know my illness has made me stronger and more confident in myself. I know I have a different way of thinking than people and I know my mental illness is stigmatized by many. Now what do I do?

I cut out a picture out of People Magazine of a hot model and I tell myself 'You are that Hot' and the more I say it I believe it. I would rather be liked for who I am inside my heart and soul than my looks. I am finally seeing myself as beautiful and more than acceptable to participate in society. 

Love your body, but also love your mind and know that we have to change our mind to recover but it takes time and patience and we need to be patient. Don't cut out anything in your life, just accept it and move forward. :) 

- Susan Page