Talking To An Old Friend For the First Time

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If I was standing on the side of the road, no one would know what I have been through or what I have, but it truthfully has been an experience that has forced me and I know many others that I have met along the path of treatment to reteach myself how to live again.  Socially I have suffered, afraid of what people that I used to know think of me because of my Facebook activity when I was so sick, but also because of my diagnosis, not knowing who has told whom about me and bipolar. 

Today I was grocery shopping with my sister and my friend Liz called me and we had not talked for almost two years. She is lovely, so sweet, and has always been supportive but for some reason I didn't know what to say. I couldn't even get out a 'What have you been up to in Medical School?' or 'How's your Mom?'. All I could talk about was the type of bread I was trying to find, and in that moment I was also beating myself up, knowing I was acting ridiculous.

We may feel like we are acting ridiculous, but I realized tonight that we cannot walk until we crawl and fall a million times. We can't grow up as fast as we want to when we realize we have to be fifteen and a half to get a drivers license. We all dream of being older when we are little and the plain fact is that we have to be patient. We have to wait, and that is what we have to do when it comes to learning how to be part of the world again. Awkward conversations will have to occur for us to feel comfortable again with family and friends and we just have to accept it when we struggle with it.   I know the idea of acceptance sounds easy in packets, pamphlets, and words that we read and hear in our daily life, but accepting and convincing ourselves that our thoughts are damaging and that we are the only ones who can truly change our train of thought the majority of time is hard.  Advice sometimes is purposeless for some, but I know that being aware of our thoughts is the best that we can do. 

- Susan Page