How to Build Better Parenting Skills

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Do you want to build parenting skills? Would you like to have the ability to discipline your children, as well as encourage them to feel good about themselves? There are multiple solutions and tips for parents to help build positive relationships, improve communication and other skills useful for parenting. Self-discipline is the main goal for parents to teach their kids. Some parents feel the need to spank and yell for effective discipline. When you learn and apply the effective three F’s, you should find a positive relationship being established with less screaming, yelling and spanking.

Parent/Child Relationship Guidelines

Here is a list of general guidelines to help set a relationship between parent and child:

• On a regular basis, schedule a time on the side to do something fun and special with your child.
• Never disagree about disciplinary actions when you are in front of your child.
• Agree with your child on desirable and not desirable behavior.
• Unless you are able to directly enforce it, do not give an order, command or request. 
• As much as possible, be consistent with rewards and punishment.
• If your child performs undesirable behavior, clearly state what the child should expect for punishment. For example, if you state, “You have a messy room,” you should specify what is messy about it, such as, “You need to make your bed, your clothes are all over the floor and you have dirty dishes on your desk.”
• Keep in mind that your behavior is a model for your child’s behavior.
• Reward desirable behavior by touch, verbal phrase or something such as food, money or a toy.

Three F’s of Effective Parenting

Discipline should be fair, firm and friendly.

Firm- When your child acts in an inappropriate behavior, you should clearly state and adhere to the consequences.

Fair- The punishment should be appropriate for the crime. State consequences in advance for recurring behavior so your child will know what to expect. It is not necessary to use harsh punishment. If it is consistently used, something as small as a time out can be an effective punishment. If your child goes a whole day without receiving a time out, give a reward.

Friendly- Use a firm but friendly communication style when you are letting your child be aware of their inappropriate behavior. To help avoid future consequences, encourage your child to remember what the bad behavior was. Praise them for desirable behavior.

The Reward Parent

In order to motivate your child to perform appropriate behavior, use reward whenever possible. For younger children, say, “when” instead of “if”. For example, “When you put all of your clean clothes away, you can go outside to play.”

For serious defiant and disruptive behavior, combine time out with reward. You can tell your child every time he or she acts in a certain behavior, time out will be the punishment. Proceed to tell your child that if he or she goes a whole day without having a time out, a special reward will be given.

First Time Club

If your child is not abiding by your rules or doing something when you ask, start a “First Time Club.” Tell your child that every time he or she does something after only being asked once, you will place a happy face inside one of thirty squares. The moment all squares have a smiley face inside them, your child will earn a reward, which will be mutually agreed upon.

Praise your child with each success and by the time the program is complete, and he or she will have developed a good habit. Once the last smiley face is earned, give the reward immediately. Continue to praise and encourage your child to be sure this new habit remains effective and becomes stronger with time.

The Chip System

Would you like your child’s behavior to improve at home? Consider the chip system, which is a power tool. Both parents and children love this system and it usually shows improvement within the first few weeks.

Here is how this program works:

1. Go to the store and buy some poker chips.

2. Discuss the program with your family, as well as the reason why you feel this program will be positive for your family. For younger children, let them know that this will help them learn to care for themselves more independently because children love independence! For teens and older children, explain to them that they will learn adult experiences. Adults have to pay fines if they break rules or make late payments, they work to earn money and they spend money on necessities and occasionally on things they want.

3. Develop a list of behaviors that will be rewarded, such as chores, self-help and a positive attitude. Some other possibilities are brushing teeth, getting up for school on time, playing nicely with siblings or completing a chore.

4. Develop a list of behaviors that will deduct chips. This may include disruptive or defiant behavior, yelling, tantrums, arguing, fighting, jumping on the couch, swearing, throwing things or putting others down. Some behaviors may also earn a time out, as well as a deduction of chips.

5. Create an agreeable list of privileges that will be earned upon the payment of chips. These may include playing outside, watching TV, playing a game or enjoying computer time.

6. Assign values for each listed item. For a sample list:

Earn Chips For:

• Cleaning bedroom - 2
• Making Bed - 1
• Brushing Teeth - 2
• Setting Dinner Table - 3
• Doing requests first time asked - 2
• Using please and thank you - 1

Lose Chips For:

• Interrupting - 2
• Arguing - 2
• Tantrums - 4 AND time out
• Throwing things - 4 AND time out

Privileges for Spending Chips:

• Playing outside - 5
• Watching TV - 4 chips per ½ hr.
• Go to friends house - 10 
• Playing games - 5

If your child loses all chips, provide them a list of extra chores to do to earn chips back.