He Hurt Me and I Can’t Move On
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Psychologists and psychiatrists want give you advice that the reason that you can’t move on to another relationship is because of underlying issues of self-esteem, fear of commitment, and unable to connect with another person. People like to tell why you can’t move on after a breakup, and make you feel that there is something wrong with you. If you don’t believe me, Google it, and start reading a few articles. Suddenly, you will find yourself reading the same thing over and over again. There are people who have a harder time moving forward than other people.
Some people do have serious issues such as low self-esteem and unresolved childhood feelings, and if you do, then get professional help. Unresolved issues from your past and your past relationships can damage new relationships. It is best to be take a break. I will elaborate on that statement a little later. A breakup is hard for everyone regardless of his or her mental state of mind. Psychologists and psychiatrists make valid points in their articles about why you might have a problem with moving forward after ending a relationship. But everybody doesn’t have low self-esteem or commitment issues. More importantly, he didn’t leave because it was your fault. Most men are capable of “putting on a good face”. Hey, maybe he is just complete jerk.
How To Deal With A Breakup?
Take a break.
Don’t worry about being single and alone. People who “jump” in and out of relationships are afraid of being alone. Thus, they don’t know how to be alone and happy at the same time. Don’t confuse their ability to easily “find someone” with confidence. Men search for certain type of women. Men search for women to fulfil a certain need or want, so there is always an ulterior motive to developing a relationship. Have you seen man with a “Plain Jane”? The first thing that come to your mind is "why is he with her?" Don’t spend your time wondering why. The reason is that she is exactly is what he wants in order to help him to relax and avoid the looks of other men.
Analyze The Problems.
Spend time recovering from a break up and analyzing why it happened. Everyone likes to put the blame on the other person, but it takes two people to be in a relationship. Maybe you’re too demanding, you have trust issues, or too independent. Analyze your own behaviors, and identify what you would need to do in the future in order to change.
Yes, you can be too independent. You have to be willing to compromise. Compromising is hard, especially for women who have had to do everything for themselves. They get into a routine and they believe that you don’t need a man. Therefore, you need to get into a routine that re-enforces your sense of independence and autonomy.
If he doesn’t feel needed, than what is the point of him being with you? Don’t start playing the damsel in distress role, because that game gets old very quickly. However, do start letting him take on some of your burden so that he can feel that he is contributing to your life. It can be as simple as letting him taking your car to the carwash and your clothes to the cleaners while you are at work.
The One That Got Away?
What if you weren’t in the wrong in the relationship? What if you did all the right things and he still left? The worst feeling in the world is when a man makes you feel not wanted, and makes you feel that no other man will want you because of your flaws. Don’t believe it. I dated a guy that told me that I would be a horrible mother, and that no other man will want me because I didn’t have good credit. Similar negative statements are only intimidation tactics to make them feel better. It only means that they don‘t feel like a strong “man” when they make these comments, and they are looking for ways to compensate. You may be better off without a person such as this.
Never dwell on the break up too long. Everyone has been hurt at least once in their life. Learn to pick up the pieces and get yourself together. Don’t take unnecessary baggage into your new relationship. The “new man” knows that you may have flaws and that you had bad experiences, but, you need to let it go or you will bring bad experiences to your new relationship.
Experience is a great teacher, so learn from your mistakes. That is whole point of going through a breakup. Keep in mind that not every man is going to hurt you, but take all of the negatives from you past relationships and use them as “red flags”. Say to yourself, “No, I will not tolerate this behavior.” With time, you will learn how to dispose of the bad apples before you even go on your first date.
Yes, men can hurt you. But how long are you going dwell in heartache and self-pity. You are will allow yourself to miss out on life and a healthy relationship. You win the battle when you are able to move one and be happy.
- Heather Browning MBA, BA