What Are The Signs of A Needy Mate?

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What is a good definition of needy mate, or a "helpmate"? Many individuals will answer this question using verses in the Bible. In reality, it is a loaded question. Society has come a long way from the idea that a woman’s place in is in the kitchen. My pastor made a good point in his sermon two weeks ago. He stated that no matter how much you think you are independent and don’t need anyone, you are fooling yourself.  Social Psychology teaches us that we have to have some interaction with other people. We experience feelings of desire and need of affection from other people, no matter how tough you think you are.  

I had the same thinking process. I am independent; I don’t need anyone; I am doing everything for myself. After pondering on his sermon, he has a point. Everyone needs someone every once in a while. The older I get, the more I realize that is true that everyone needs someone.  God did not create humans to be alone.

But the dynamics of a relationship has changed over the years. Women are in the workforce and no longer traditional housewives. Today, housewives are somewhat not respected anymore. Modern women have changed what men want from a woman, which leads to more women alone because they feel like they chose their career over a relationship.

If you have different religious beliefs, please don’t disregard this article. Whatever you believe, you can’t think that you don’t need anyone. Psychologically, humans have the need to belong and the need to have mate. Just think. Every time you find yourself in a situation, such as moving to a new apartment or assembly furniture, you say to yourself; I wish I had someone to help me.  At this point, I think I have established the fact that you need someone. But I question if the ideology of needing someone is confused with thinking that a helpmate is someone who is “needy”.  What am I talking about? I am talking about the dangerous shift in the dynamics of a relationship. More and more people search and attach themselves to people who are “needy”.

What are the Signs of a “Needy” Mate?

1.  Poor decision making skills 

Do you find yourself always making the decisions in your relationship? For men, this doesn’t seem to be a problem. It makes them feel like a man. This is the wrong way toward self-development.  I guess this is a “generational thing”.  Most men feel that they have to feel needed in order be a “man”.  Furthermore, women tend to play the “damsel in distress because they think that it’s one way to keep their mate.

Men should not mistake this behavior as building their self-esteem or solidifying their manhood. If you are a man and attracted to women who can’t make simple decisions, you have unresolved self-esteem issues.

2.  The quiet timid chick

This type of individual disturbs me.  To me, it is a sign that she is in a domestic violent relationship. Women who are timid and quit or scared to say anything when their mate is around is not natural.  A perfect example is when I went to a salon and I saw a guy I knew. I spoke to his girlfriend and she didn’t say a word. She sat in a chair, body tensed.  But her boyfriend continued talking as if it was normal. The whole scene made me uncomfortable.

3.  Completely Dysfunctional In-Laws

I know everyone has problems in their relationship. But some problems are not as serious as you think. For example, you don’t need call your mate every time you have problems with your in-laws. There are some things that women can do without consulting their “man”.

A somewhat emotional stable individual should have adequate reasoning and social skills. A 21st century woman should be able to depended on herself and make life altering choices. Unfortunately, that is not the case.  Many couples don’t think about the future and many don’t understand that it is best to let a woman settle unresolved issues and “heal” from a previous relationship. 

Men think playing “hero” is a tactic to “seal the deal” without realizing that they will have problems in their relationship in the future. Trust me, your mate constantly checking in on you and always letting you make the decisions will quickly get old. You will find yourself in 19 year marriage with a woman who acts like a child.

What is a helpmate?  A helpmate is exactly the way it sounds. Someone who helps you and not someone you constantly needs your help.  This person supports you when you are down and turns your weaknesses into strengths. A perfect example is when a couple starting a business. Women make the mistake in thinking that letting the men take control of the business without input is the same as supporting them.

No, that’s not true.  A good business venture is when two people use their strengths to make the business grow. For example you husband is great at putting a plan together but is a procrastinator and horrible at executing plans. This where the wife steps in and become the “helpmate”. What do you think? What is your definition of a helpmate?

- Heather Browning, MBA, BA