Boosting Self-Esteem By Changing Your Values

Low self-esteem is caused our values that we feel we don't measure up to in some way.

Firstly, we have to work out what those values are. What are the things that we beat ourselves up about? In what areas do we feel we always fall short?  It's not often that self-development exercises tell you to list everything you dislike about yourself! We're so used to hearing 'focus on your good points' and 'identify your talents' that we rarely have the opportunity to really explore where our low self-esteem is coming from.  So, what is it about yourself that you don't like? By listing these points out, you can work out what your values are.

When you're done, you'll end up with two lists. What you don't like, and your values.
Like this:

I don't like...

- My looks

- My weight

- That I haven't got as far in my career as I want

- That I can't maintain a good marriage

- The way I sound when I talk

Then the values that correspond to these dislikes:

- I value good looks.

- I value a healthy weight.

- I value a successful career.

- I value a good marriage.

- I value a nice speaking voice.

Look at your values list. 

These are the things that cause you to experience negative feelings, maybe every day. Which ones are worth that level of distress? Which ones are really important in life? Which ones are not? Cross out the ones that aren't worth making your feel miserable, like this:

- I value good looks.

- I value a healthy weight.

- I value a successful career.

- I value a good marriage.

- I value a nice speaking voice.

With the values that are left, try to work out steps towards improving these situations. If you can't think of any solutions, a good brainstorming exercise is to go back to your first list of dislikes. Let's choose:

- I can't maintain a good marriage

Try to list all the dislikes about yourself that are related to this, for example:

- I don't like that I lose my temper so quickly
- I don't feel like being intimate because of my body
- I say really bad things in arguments that I regret later

Then turn these dislikes into values...

- I value keeping my anger under control
- I value intimacy with my husband
- I value restraining what I say so I won't regret it later

Then actions:

- I will find strategies to keep my anger under control
- I will make losing weight a priority, so that I can be intimate with my husband
- I will work on my self-control, so that I won't regret what I say later

This turns our low self-esteem into directly actionable steps for our self-development and personal growth. Once we have a plan in place, we can direct our thoughts of low-self esteem - remembering our values, and striving for our new goals.

But what about the values we had to cross out on the list? The insecurities they come from can still be a massive cause of stress and low self-esteem. How do we cross them out of our lives for good?

One effective strategy is to write down the reason you crossed them out. Why are they not important enough to suffer for? Why are they not worth hurting for? Every time you feel low self-esteem for these reasons, revisit your list. As you reread your reasons, you are actually in the process of rearranging your values and aligning them for your future self-development.

Within low-self esteem we can usually find a mix of genuine areas ready for growth, but also values that are hurting us. It might not be easy to distinguish one from the other straight away. For example, many women hold the value that to feel good about themselves, they have to look a certain way. They may invest a lot of time, energy, money and worry about their appearance, but still find they are not satisfied with how they look, their self-esteem just as low as it was before. This is a case of values that are hurting us, rather than genuine areas for growth. Trying to satisfy our deepest emotions and cravings for self-actualization with changes to the aesthetics of our appearance or our surroundings never works. We still might choose to make these changes, but we realize that they do not have a deep impact on our emotional lives.

It is by identifying our innermost values and working to improve those areas of our lives that we achieve emotional satisfaction.

- Iman Mohiki