And the two suddenly connected up and I realized, "I'm actually afraid right now. I know am criticizing you, but what am feeling inside is I am feeling fear. What am I afraid of?" Then I realized, "Oh my goodness, I criticize her to push her away because I'm afraid I'm going to lose her anyway." It was like an insight that came through and I was afraid I was going to lose her eventually. That was my programming because I'd blown just about every other relationship I had ever been in, and I had this fear that I was going to lose her. So one way of keeping that from happening was to push her away. And that would keep us from being intimate to the level that it would be very painful if I did lose her. And so it was that weirdest thing. This all just dropped in in about 10 seconds, and I remember stammering out, "I'm scared. I'm afraid I'm going to lose you and that's why I criticize you." And it was...
Katie: Yeah.
Gay: Almost instantly it turned off that critical function. So here is the specific advice, next time you get stuck in any kind of relationship issue, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" Not what am I mad about or anything like that but what am I afraid of? That little moment where you say, "I'm afraid am going to lose you or I'm afraid..." whatever it is.
Katie: And to add to that, what we found is that it's possible to learn to communicate in a way that it doesn't generate argument. Even when you're feeling stuck and that comes, again, from your body intelligence. If you ask yourself, "How am I experiencing this right now in my body?" And you do your best to describe your body sensations, something as simple as my neck feels tight or I'm feeling hotness in my cheeks, it may not be very profound but because it's true, it creates a connection right away rather than the distance that trying to control or getting yourself in conflict does. Dropping into sharing body sensations, sharing feelings but particularly keeping it really simple of what's going on in your body, allows you to open up your 50 trillion cells of wisdom to add to what we try to do by being completely head-centric. So you drop down and you get to be heart-centric by really paying attention to your body sensations and sharing those. That's been really valuable for us and our students.
Eric: That's great, and I have question for Gay. You have said that before you two met and married each other, you were blowing your earlier relationships, and I'm sure that there are many people who have had that experience. What is it that, for you, caused that and how did you correct it to create this sustainable marriage and lifelong partnership?
Katie: Yeah.
Gay: Almost instantly it turned off that critical function. So here is the specific advice, next time you get stuck in any kind of relationship issue, ask yourself, "What am I afraid of?" Not what am I mad about or anything like that but what am I afraid of? That little moment where you say, "I'm afraid am going to lose you or I'm afraid..." whatever it is.
Katie: And to add to that, what we found is that it's possible to learn to communicate in a way that it doesn't generate argument. Even when you're feeling stuck and that comes, again, from your body intelligence. If you ask yourself, "How am I experiencing this right now in my body?" And you do your best to describe your body sensations, something as simple as my neck feels tight or I'm feeling hotness in my cheeks, it may not be very profound but because it's true, it creates a connection right away rather than the distance that trying to control or getting yourself in conflict does. Dropping into sharing body sensations, sharing feelings but particularly keeping it really simple of what's going on in your body, allows you to open up your 50 trillion cells of wisdom to add to what we try to do by being completely head-centric. So you drop down and you get to be heart-centric by really paying attention to your body sensations and sharing those. That's been really valuable for us and our students.
Eric: That's great, and I have question for Gay. You have said that before you two met and married each other, you were blowing your earlier relationships, and I'm sure that there are many people who have had that experience. What is it that, for you, caused that and how did you correct it to create this sustainable marriage and lifelong partnership?
