Peter: Let me just say one thing on this track. There is a great quote from one of the characters in Mad Men, which was a TV series. And the guy says to his fiancée, "Of course I love you. I am giving up my life to be with you." What could possibly go wrong with that?
Ellyn: Keeping up with what you said, relationships are a lot more about giving and gratitude than they are about taking. But so often people approach it from "what's in it for me."
Peter: That's the Cinderella conflict when we get married, we find our mate that's perfect for us: it's about getting as opposed to giving when it's inconvenient. And giving when it's inconvenient, that's going to start helping a couple stretch and grow.
Ellyn: Yeah, let's talk actually a minute about the teamwork aspect, too. Because if you think about it, most of us in our lives are rarely in relations of equality, we're in relationships of hierarchy. We go to school, we have our teachers telling us what to do, we have our parents telling us what to do, and we are rarely in an interdependent relationship where we have to work out differences and conflicts.
And so the skills, you mentioned skills earlier and there is a lot of skills involved in effective teamwork. One of the things that I actually talk to couples a lot about is that this disco ball here is the way we are as individuals, that all these different mirrors on the disco ball represent different facets of our selves. And in a growing relationship this ball keeps on spinning and we get to expose all different parts of ourselves to our partners. That's exciting and energizing and keeps a relationship vital, but it also means there is much, much more likelihood for potential conflict and tension. And so couples definitely need a way that works for the two of them to handle the tension that's created when each of them want different things at the same time.
Erik: That's great, that's great. And another question I have for you folks is we all know that beginning in the 1960s there was a huge spike in divorce rates. And since the 1990s, I believe, they have started to come down a little bit. But do you feel that in the United States and in Europe where divorces are very common, that there is a future for marriage? Will marriage continue, will it make a resurgence? And how will it look?
Ellyn: Keeping up with what you said, relationships are a lot more about giving and gratitude than they are about taking. But so often people approach it from "what's in it for me."
Peter: That's the Cinderella conflict when we get married, we find our mate that's perfect for us: it's about getting as opposed to giving when it's inconvenient. And giving when it's inconvenient, that's going to start helping a couple stretch and grow.
Ellyn: Yeah, let's talk actually a minute about the teamwork aspect, too. Because if you think about it, most of us in our lives are rarely in relations of equality, we're in relationships of hierarchy. We go to school, we have our teachers telling us what to do, we have our parents telling us what to do, and we are rarely in an interdependent relationship where we have to work out differences and conflicts.
And so the skills, you mentioned skills earlier and there is a lot of skills involved in effective teamwork. One of the things that I actually talk to couples a lot about is that this disco ball here is the way we are as individuals, that all these different mirrors on the disco ball represent different facets of our selves. And in a growing relationship this ball keeps on spinning and we get to expose all different parts of ourselves to our partners. That's exciting and energizing and keeps a relationship vital, but it also means there is much, much more likelihood for potential conflict and tension. And so couples definitely need a way that works for the two of them to handle the tension that's created when each of them want different things at the same time.
Erik: That's great, that's great. And another question I have for you folks is we all know that beginning in the 1960s there was a huge spike in divorce rates. And since the 1990s, I believe, they have started to come down a little bit. But do you feel that in the United States and in Europe where divorces are very common, that there is a future for marriage? Will marriage continue, will it make a resurgence? And how will it look?
