Am I Marrying The Right Person?

According to Louisiana State University, eighty-eight percent of adult Americans (between the ages of 20 and 30) believe that they have a “soul mate” somewhere (Dr. Phil, 2015). Moreover, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, approximately 60% of marriages end in divorce (Dr. Phil, 2015). "Have you been dating your partner for a while, and have come to the conclusion that he or she may just be the “one”? How do you know if you are picking the “right” person to marry? If you are pondering these important questions, you have come to the right place. This article will help you determine if your partner is the “marrying kind.”

Truth-be-told, one of the most devastating things that can happen on a wedding day is either the bride and/or groom gets “cold feet.” In other words, the bride or groom becomes unsure if he or she really wants to get married…to the other person. One or both people may question if his or her partner is the “best fit” for him or her. In most cases, the tension and feelings of doubt have been mounting for a while. In fact, most people rarely wake up one morning and question whether or not their partners are “right” to marry. When this occurs, problems in the relationship have either been swept under the rug, or one or both people want to get “married” no matter what.

Women have a tendency to think that they can somehow “change” their partners once they are married, but unfortunately that is usually not the case. In the same vein, men often think that the relationship will somehow “get better” once the couple is actually married, sadly, this too, rarely happens. You can save yourself a lot of future problems by making sure that you are indeed marrying the “right” person. It is imperative that you are 100% positive that you are making the “right” choice before walking down the aisle and committing yourself to one another before your friends and family. It is also important to note that the only thing worse than marrying the “wrong” person is having to live with your decision. The last place you want to end up at is in divorce court, so take your time now, and get to know the person you plan to marry.  

Are You Marrying the Right Person?

Evaluate Your Feelings

One way to determine if you are picking the “right” person is to evaluate how you feel when you are with your partner. Does he or she make you feel good about yourself and your relationship, or does he or she leave a bad taste in your mouth? If your partner makes you feel insecure, weak, sad, disrespected, upset, nervous, “stupid,” and/or “less than,” then he or she is probably not the “right” person for you. However, if your partner makes you feel strong, confident, happy, excited, respected, cherished and important, you have probably made a good choice in partner. 

Spend Time Apart

Yes, that is right, one of the “best” way to determine, if you are picking the “right” person to marry is to spend time apart. As the old adage states: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” therefore spending time apart can actually help your relationship get stronger. It can also show you a different side of your partner that you may not see when you are constantly around each other. Moreover, it will give you both things to talk about when you are together. This may actually be the time when you realize that you and your partner do or do not have much in common.

A healthy relationship is one in which you feel confident enough to leave for a while. It doesn’t matter if it is to visit friends and relatives, go to work, attend college courses, or just spend time by yourself – shopping, reading, sleeping, watching television, playing video games, shooting hoops, etc., the key is to feel secure enough in your relationship to enjoy those times. If you don’t feel “good” leaving your partner, or he or she makes you feel “bad” for wanting some time away, he or she may not be “right” person for you to marry. It is important to have a healthy balance between spending time together and spending time apart.   

Heed Warning Signs

The worst thing you can do is ignore, push aside, or rationalize important warning signs. It is common for people to justify or dismiss warning signs when they are “in love.” Truth-be-told, no one wants to believe that the person he or she loves may not be “right” for him or her. But, unfortunately this could be the case. If your partner does not enjoy or engage in similar activities, if he or she makes you feel “bad” about yourself, if he or she criticizes and degrades your family members and friends, if he or she is constantly negative around you, and/or if he or she is an active drug abuser, alcoholic, and/or criminal, then you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. In this case, your partner is probably not the “right” person to marry. Do not ignore warning signs – they can save you from making the biggest mistake of your life.

Listen to Your Gut

Although most people pay little attention to their gut feelings, it is important to go with the internal voice in your head, when trying to decide if you are picking the “right” person to marry. In fact, one of the most important ways to determine if your partner is the “marrying type” is to follow your instincts. If something in your heart and head tells you “something just isn’t right,” go with that feeling. Why? Well, your gut is probably right, even if you don’t want to acknowledge or accept it. Re-evaluate your decision to marry your partner. You may decide that what is “bothering” you is one of your own “hang ups” or you may determine that the issue is trivial, and can be addressed with your partner.  However, you may, in some cases, decide that you can’t get past your uneasy feelings – in this situation, it may be best to move on to someone, who can truly make you happy.   

Considerations

Refrain from having unrealistic expectations for your partner. He or she, like yourself, is not “perfect.” In other words, everyone makes mistakes, do not push away a person who loves and respects you because of simple mistakes. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not suggesting that you marry someone simply because he or she treats you well, but what I am suggesting is that you follow your heart, and if need be, re-evaluate what you are looking for in a partner and future spouse. You can still marry your “soulmate” even if he or she does not look like a 6 foot model with blue eyes, beautiful hair, lots of money, and an outgoing personality. You may be surprised what really makes you happy, if you sit down and think about it. The “right” person to marry may just be the quiet librarian or the “geek” with the receding hairline. Be open and love will find you.  

- Dr. R. Y. Langham

References:

Dr. Phil. (2015). Marriage and divorce: The statistics. Retrieved from http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/351

EHarmony. (2015). Top 5 signs you are dating the right guy. Retrieved from http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/top-5-signs-you-are-dating-the-right-guy/#.VOynQZDnaUk

Schmitz, C. D. & Schmitz, E. A. (2015). Finding the right person to marry. Self-Growth. Retrieved from http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Finding_The_Right_Person_To_Marry.html

Stritof, S. (2015). How to know if you are marrying the right person. About Relationships. Retrieved from http://marriage.about.com/od/choosingyourspouse/a/rightperson.htm